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Monday, 5 May 2014

The case of Captain Avengers: The Hydra Soldier

Continuity. Plain and simple, the Marvel movies team is having to juggle a whole lot of apples at the same time, with all the solo movies released before the next Avengers extravaganza, they need to keep everything in check. In the second instalment of the Captain America series, they managed to maintain that continuity by simply…ignoring the other movies. So in the case of Iron Man 3 and Thor 2: The dark world, none of that shit even phased Nick Fury, Cap or Romanoff. Hell, the Mandarin was a joke, a newly super-powered Pepper is irrelevant, the fact that Thor came back from Asgard to earth, left, returned, then started playing Portal in London, all the while trying to save the world from destruction, didn’t even register in Fury’s to-do-list. Then again, the Avengers have Captain America, not Captain European Union, so fuck London and all those limeys… wait, wasn’t that albino elf going to destroy the multiverse?? Whatever, as long as it’s not New York, Washington or Los Angeles, we couldn’t care less.

I will not post the spoiler alert here, since the story is so predictable, only a coma patient will find it intriguing or even suspenseful. The main character is Captain Goody-Two-Shoes, so no one gets killed on his watch – with a rating of 12A, some people do actually buy it in this movie, but who cares anyway, thousands died in Superman and the Avengers and nobody gave a crap. Captain USA – YES, this should be his name, if you insist on calling him Captain America, then Brazil, Peru, Nicaragua, Canada and the entire continent should be his domain of protection! - is a chemically enhanced super soldier with regenerative abilities. But not instant regeneration, we wouldn’t want the audience to confuse him with Wolverine or Deadpool… This will be tested to the limit in some scenes (that includes getting shot 3 times, stabbed, bitch-slapped and keep on fighting after all that punishment).But let’s not forget, Captain America is nothing without his shield. Or is he?

 A random French guy will try to find that out and have his ass handed to him in the process. Seriously, it’s like asking Batman to take off his armour and bring it on. How dense can you be to even consider that? Apparently common sense is not a major factor in this movie, since there are numerous points where I went “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?” and not to the actors/characters, but to the script writers. I understand that this is a comic-book based movie, the viewers have signed an invisible pact with the actors/directors/screenwriters, that we will allow for some suspense of disbelief, when watching this type of movies. Fine, I agree to that wholeheartedly, I have done so and will continue to do so for every comic book/sci-fi/fantasy movie I will ever see.


However, there is no motherfucking way in any motherfucking universe that would motherfucking explain how motherfucker Nick Fury motherfucking survived!



The overall feeling I received from this film was that Marvel was not 100% concentrated on this project, it felt like something that tried to become something bigger, but eventually was left unfinished, unbalanced and somehow…cheated out of its potential. I mean you have Robert Redford in a movie trying to justify the NSAs role of Global Big Brother, trying to add some gravity and credibility to this mockery of a global domination plan (Dr. Evil would have come up with a better plan), only to have him kill a maid in cold blood and die with one of the most stupid deaths in villain history. If the producers intended to make a strong point about global surveillance, privacy limits, automated and self-authorised drone strikes, the limits of personal liberty and social stability and the effects of overpopulation in a finite resources system, maybe they should have come up with something better than the half-ass idea of 3 flying carriers and a semi-PreCog algorithm created by an ex-Nazi scientist, who managed to transfer his personality in a digital carrier network (that one idea alone is worth a whole movie, but hey…we got bigger fish to fry).




I tried to watch this film as much possible as I could as a distanced, standalone film, not in connection with the Avengers or the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. TV-show. That was not possible and in fact, was not the intention of its creators. This was clearly a herald to the new Avengers movie. In that sense it serves this purpose quite adequately, but as a second instalment in the Captain America storyline – most likely now a trilogy by the looks of things – it fails miserably. Hey, at least they managed to keep the torso-to-head ratio of Captain Steroids within plausible limits, unlike the first movie.




Next one on the list is the new Amazing Spiderman instalment, hopefully I will write about it before the leaves turn yellow... Until then I'll be watching you.