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Monday, 29 April 2013

Iron Man 3 review: Why I hate Michael Bay


A guy with his dog walk in a park, time is late afternoon, location is random urban environment. The guy stops, goes for the dog’s collar and unlocks the line. The dog jumps and breaks into a run…. Then they both EXPLODE in a huge fireball, engulfing everything in its path, causing secondary explosions of nearby trees, rocks, benches and culminating to the spectacular √úberblast of the park’s pond.

This image is a pretty accurate summary of most Michael Bay films. The dogma here is: “Dissilio, ergo sum”. Nothing is more important than the non-stop attack of the viewer’s senses with images and sounds cranked up to 11. Realism, continuity, acting, even chemistry and physics are out of the window. And sometimes this works, unfortunately most of the times it’s just a waste of money and an excellent reason for some serious comedy.

You may now ponder upon the question “Dafuq has Michael Bay to do with Iron Man 3?” Allow me to elaborate.


Iron Man 3 is a hybrid film, one part action comedy and one part Transformers 2, the bad parts of that movie – hence the Baysplosions title for this entry. For the first half of the film we see Starks struggle with the events that took place in the Avengers encounter. He appears anything but “super”, has frequent panic attacks and is disassociated from everyone around him. Then suddenly, for no apparent reason, he challenges the Mandarin just to get in on the action – War machine…ehm, apologies AMERICAN PATRIOT, was having exclusivity on the guy – and ends up in the bottom of the sea with his Thunderbird mansion on top of him.
Still, could be worse... It does get worse. Witness the first AI that …falls asleep!!! After that we get to see Tony Stark become MacGyver and 007 in an attempt to rescue Pepper and the president of the US – who used to be an international terrorist until he got “yippee kiyay-ed motherfucker”. After that things go downhill really fast. Mercifully before we hurdle ourselves to the mindless roller coaster of CGI chaos that will ensue soon after, Sir Ben Kingsley speaks! And everyone in the theatre just lost it!! We could not stop laughing, it was EPIC, a most unexpected performance from such an actor and it’s a genuine show stopper.

For the second part of the movie –or the last part, say last 35 minutes – Shane Black goes all Bay on this one and directs his own version of Transformers, courtesy of the 40+ suits Tony has built in his spare time. What a strange coincidence then that the Mandarin has created a shitload of supercharged minions using his highly experimental, unstable and potentially explosive gene manipulation treatment. Yeah right… (Come to think of it, why didn’t Stark called in on one of his suits earlier on, when he was captured in the Mandarins villa…even more, why didn’t he send a suit to save Pepper from the Mandarin since the suits are encoded for her as well!) Also, this thing with the “human bomb” factor, where have I seen that before…where
And in this mayhem of a finale EVERYTHING explodes – with the biggest and dumbest explosion that of a container falling on the peer and creating a fireball the size of a football field! [I know that the whole peer was covered with oil barrels but come on people, get real!!! Shit just doesn’t blow up like that!]




This is the closing part of a trilogy – or so it would appear, RDJ claiming that he will not put on the MK48 suit – that has left us with both positive and negative memories. The main thing, however, that we gained from the Iron Man movies is a new type of super hero, the “IDGAF-knowitall-spoiled-brat-genius-philanthropist-playboy-I’m-only-human” hero with a razor-sharp humour and even quicker comebacks than Robin Williams on his good day. Iron Man is Marvel’s answer to DCs best detective in the world in a black spandex. Just like Batman in the “Dark Knight” trilogy, Tony Stark is a mere mortal without any superhuman powers, who uses his wits and billions of dollars to become a super hero. The only difference here, RDJ is born for this role, Christian Bale is trying to fill the shoes of the Batman, but somehow falls short of the expectations we have from such an iconic character. The Iron Man trilogy is a one man show thanks to the captivating performance of RDJ, this third part being a true tour-de-force from a great actor that acts not a scripted character, but his real life. At least his life while on drugs and alcohol..

The movie opened to a whooping 193M international box office weekend, equalling the Avengers opening and making a firm statement: Comic book movies are the current blockbusters, forget cop/thriller/action films. Even sci-fi films have to up their game if they want to reclaim their throne of ultimate blockbuster.

Waiting for this one now, will see it with sunglasses though if J.J. Abrams insists on using SO MUCH GODDAMN LENSE FLARE!!!!!

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